Chapter 4 pt.4 (Draft)

She was feeling entirely unable to cope with things. A feeling I know more now than I did then. She was struggling with teaching, wondering if she was in the wrong career. She had planned to be an Orchestral Muscian and had not focused on the reality many of her peers and even her heros faced: Being a professional musician in the late 20th Century was not a full-time job. I told her every classical musician felt like that. At one point she mentioned England. London tourism was really taking off and she’d heard that with the growth came a new bunch of orchestra managers and music promoters over there looking for singers and musicians.

I think I was falling. Her allure was the sense of suspense and mystery that followed her wherever and with whomever.  Whatever she thought of herself, she was a very good teacher. I admired her as a musician, too. She was soulful and natural at music.

"I feel like I know something that I can't put my finger on. It is something that needs to be experienced, to be lived. Somehow I am missing chunks of life. But I can't name them," she said.

Maybe that isn't exactly what she said. I think that was what she meant for sure. And she said, "It makes some any sense. I am a half German after all. There are things in my life in America that just don't feel right. It is like I can 'feel' in another language. Kind of. And I really think it is good to know the language of the place you live."

"So I guess maybe I am emotionally bilingual or I am bi-sensorial, bi-valent or something. But then, how do you decide what you want? It doesn’t make sense."

I thought it and then I said it. "Not everything has to make sense." 




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